It's Better to Help People than Garden Gnomes

At Least Artichokes Have Hearts


I awake with a yarn beard plastered to my face
Making my way to eat, I am confronted with my nemesis-

Lobster Pasta, the most delicious  of the crustacean-encompassing Italian foods

We quickly do battle, my beard fighting off the delightful dish's dastardly claws

After some time we both seem bested, the yarn yanked and the dinner devoured
But the food has one last trick. "Two-and-a-half children" it whispers into my ear
I scream as my future frays, my life encircled by white picket fences.
Falling into the abyss I dawn my moniker- "The Darkness that Bears No Children"

I awake at the rustic gates of Valhalla,  confused, I ask an old friend why I am here
"It's all in the beard", Wormy replies.

I'd first like to address the very nature of Kelli Wanamakeyoudosomethingcrazy. The nature I speak of? Whimsy. The utter ridiculousness just for the sake of ridiculousness of the poem, and the philosophies Kelli abides by on a day-to-day basis emanates a very jubilant nature. I utilized many allusions to Kelli's personality, such as her pseudonym in, her childhood friend, Wormy,  and her complete and utter fear of middle-class suburbia. The food came from her blog from two weeks ago about her brief stint as a Ghostbuster at Abigail's Grill & Wine Bar. Finally, I chose to write my poems with oddly long lines to parody Kelli's multiple uses of "withdrawn" comments during class discussion. The title of both the poem and the blog itself allude to the French film Amelie, in which the titular character acts much in the same way I picture Kelli would act if she lived in France and took on the name of  Amelie Poulain.